I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
