If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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