There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
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