Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
You did what with his pubic hair?
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