my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
