you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
