nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Randomize
