I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
