remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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