you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
