Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
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I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
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im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo