I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I will be naked everywhere
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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