He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
