I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Randomize
