I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Randomize
