im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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