Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
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