shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
