My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
