I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
