Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
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Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
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Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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