you would pick up someone in the library
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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