that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Randomize
