ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
