So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
