Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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