I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
