I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
