all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Randomize
