Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
