either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
