so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
