I wish I could punch you in the face.
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
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