my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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