Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Randomize
