i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
