I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
