Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Swine flu is the new snow day.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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