My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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