So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
