yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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