Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Randomize
