Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
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He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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