Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
