I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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