There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
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