i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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