the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
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First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
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My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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