Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
