I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Randomize
