I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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