Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
