i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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