you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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