my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Randomize
