Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize